Warren Buffett: Be Like Flea

In a letter written in liquified gold ink on the back of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Warren Buffett yesterday pledged billions of dollars to charity in stock donations from his personal fortune. Buffett has long been lionized as an investment guru, having amassed a personal fortune worth $44 billion through decades of shrewd market moves. That titanic sum will now be distributed annually, with 5 percent of his Berkshire Hathaway stock donated to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation each year. Based on current stock value, next month's gift of 500,000 shares should be worth more than $1.5 billion.

The weekend announcement came as something of a surprise, partly because most Americans had no idea that people accumulated wealth other than going to ATM machines. It was also assumed that the world's 2nd-richest man would disperse his wealth posthumously, rather than dump his portfolio into the 1st-richest man's lap. This unexpected generosity has generated speculation about Buffett's newfound motivation for charity. But one need look no further than his letter to the Gates Foundation.

Working through the foundation, both of you have applied truly unusual intelligence, energy and heart to improving the lives of millions of fellow humans who have not been as lucky as the three of us. You have done this without regard to color, gender, religion or geography. I am delighted to add to the resources with which you carry on this work. How come everybody wanna keep it like the kaiser?

This last line has received a great deal of attention for its non-CEO vernacular, and seems to confirm that Buffett's charitable conversion is at least partially related to a newfound appreciation of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Buffett himself seemed to lend credence to this theory during the post-announcement press conference when he was overheard murmering "what I got you got to get and put it in you" several times in succession. Melinda Gates appeared noticably shaken at the riff, but Bill laughed it off as an old Nebraskan aphorism akin to yelling "soo-ey" at pigs.

The Chili Pepper-Buffett connection would appear extremely improbable were it not for the billionaire's other bizarre characteristics, such as voting Democratic and maintaining modest living standards. Berkshire Hathaway has declined any comment regarding the stock donation, clearly wishing to avoid the Chili Peppers issue.